Admirers ‘Seek to have Henry VII Canonized’
Members of a new organisation, the Society of Henry VII, are seeking to have the late medieval king declared a saint by the Vatican.
Mr. J.S. Artichoke, leader of the shadowy group, explained that his members had nearly all belonged to the Richard III Society, and that one or two had even held office within it in various countries. ‘However,’ Mr. Artichoke continued, ‘we felt that the Society was paying far too much attention to King Richard III and spending too much time trying to repair his reputation. The last straw for many of us was when an article appeared on the Society’s Facebook page that was actually a positive account of Richard III, and not about Elizabeth of York, or Caxton, or the Emperor Chenghua. Admittedly, it was Richard’s birthday, but the common feeling was that it was a bridge too far.’
The Society of Henry VII believes that there are a number of factors that justify his sanctification:
- He loved his mother. (While many men love their mother, this was not common among English kings – except Richard I.)
- He never murdered anyone without giving them a ‘fair trial’ first.
- He had such a horror of violence that he never took part in battles, but instead stood at the back wearing nothing but a suit of armour and a wry grin.
- There is no evidence that he ever had sex outside of marriage.
- He was Welsh. (While some pedants object that Henry was actually only 25% Welsh, the Society has obtained conclusive evidence that he frequently sang Sospan Fach while in the bath with his wife, Elizabeth of York.)
Mr. Artichoke said that on a recent visit to Ashton Market he realised he had no money left for his bus fare. He said a quick prayer to Henry VII, and immediately found 20p in his waistcoat. While this was still not enough for the bus, the miracle enabled him to buy a sherbet dab that comforted him during the 12 mile walk back to Glossop.
A Vatican spokesman assured us that the campaign to sanctify Henry VII was most unlikely to succeed. ‘These are delicate matters,’ he said, ‘and take many long years of painstaking enquiry before any outcome is achieved. However, the Holy Father has to distinguish between saintliness on the one hand, and being a mean-spirited, parsimonious tyrant on the other. In this particular case, it is not really certain that Henry is sufficiently Welsh even to be considered Venerable.’