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Shakespeare re-written …………..

Henry V

DRIVER (presses bell)

BUTLER (opens door)

DRIVER: Mr. Monmouth?

BUTLER: Sorry, he is busy at the moment.

DRIVER: Dauphin’s Sporting Goods here. I have a delivery for him; can he spare a moment to sign for it? Otherwise I’ll probably have to take it back to the warehouse.

BUTLER: He is with some Lollards at the moment but will be free when they go out. Can I sign for him?

DRIVER: I suppose so. He may be interested in our Ashes Memorabilia Catalogue, perhaps?

Richard III

CALL CENTRE WORKER: Hello, Animals for You. Can I help you?

RICHARD: I want a horse!

CCW: What sort of horse: size, colour, breed, gender?

RICHARD: I don’t know, just a horse!

CCW: I’ll try my best. Your name?

RICHARD: Richard Plantagenet.

CCW: Delivery address?

RICHARD: Somewhere near Leicester at the moment, or is it Coventry?

CCW: We will need a postcode. When would you like this horse?

RICHARD: As soon as you can manage!

CCW: We can try later in the week or you can pay a little extra for next day delivery.

How much are you willing to spend?

RICHARD: My kingdom!

CCW: We only take debit and credit cards I’m afraid. How much does your kingdom amount to?

RICHARD: I’m not sure.

CCW: Then there’s post and packing….

Additional inspiration from Stoppard, Flanders and Swann.

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