DRIVER (presses bell)
BUTLER (opens door)
DRIVER: Mr. Monmouth?
BUTLER: Sorry, he is busy at the moment.
DRIVER: Dauphin’s Sporting Goods here. I have a delivery for him; can he spare a moment to sign for it? Otherwise I’ll probably have to take it back to the warehouse.
BUTLER: He is with some Lollards at the moment but will be free when they go out. Can I sign for him?
DRIVER: I suppose so. He may be interested in our Ashes Memorabilia Catalogue, perhaps?
CALL CENTRE WORKER: Hello, Animals for You. Can I help you?
RICHARD: I want a horse!
CCW: What sort of horse: size, colour, breed, gender?
RICHARD: I don’t know, just a horse!
CCW: I’ll try my best. Your name?
RICHARD: Richard Plantagenet.
CCW: Delivery address?
RICHARD: Somewhere near Leicester at the moment, or is it Coventry?
CCW: We will need a postcode. When would you like this horse?
RICHARD: As soon as you can manage!
CCW: We can try later in the week or you can pay a little extra for next day delivery.
How much are you willing to spend?
RICHARD: My kingdom!
CCW: We only take debit and credit cards I’m afraid. How much does your kingdom amount to?
RICHARD: I’m not sure.
CCW: Then there’s post and packing….
Additional inspiration from Stoppard, Flanders and Swann.